This is something I wrote probably 5 years ago. I’m sharing it today, still relevant, still a work in progress, and still practicing awareness.
Confessions of a Yoga Teacher
I arrived at my local community college to do my swim training in preparation for my next triathlon in just a couple of months. It was unusually cold and windy so I was briskly walking to the pool when I was approached by two students asking for my help. They were working on a project for their video class and needed one more person to interview. Apparently, someone they made arrangements to interview did not show and they were desperate for one more person. Recalling my desperate college days I reluctantly agreed. Only after agreeing to be interviewed I asked, “What will you be asking me about?” Their answer made my posture shrink and a wave of discomfort wash over me. “Insecurities,” they replied.
I had already agreed so I didn’t dare bail out now but just the thought of speaking honestly about my insecurities made me feel insecure. I’m a yoga teacher and fitness professional and currently training for my next triathlon. I think of myself as in pretty good shape and in pretty good health. And yet, I have insecurities about how I look. The photography students were kind enough to show me the questions before they said, “Action” so I had a few moments to mentally prepare. But those few moments looking over the questions which were supposed to bring clarity only flooded my mind with all sorts of thoughts and emotions about how I really feel about myself.
In the yoga classes I teach, I strive to create a positive experience for my students that enables them to escape the stress and pressures of every day life. I hope my classes bring some balance to the negativity that so many have to deal with on a daily basis. I believe every human being is valuable and I want each one of my students to recognize the love that is at the essence of who they are. Yoga is about awareness and discovering that we are is so much more than just our bodies. It is about acceptance and feeling good about oneself. It should not be about comparing body types and the constant competition of the typical gym environment. I teach from my heart led by spirit with complete sincerity about these messages. And despite all of this, in those few moments just before the camera began to roll, I had to admit - at least to myself - that I struggle to believe it of my own essence.
I did my best, although put on the spot and without preparation, to speak a little about this internal conflict during the interview. I felt a little like a suspect being interrogated at the police station. All the lights were off except for the one spot light directed right on my face. I could barely see anything or anyone else in the room. Before we began, I was sure to primp and fluff and adjust so that I would look as good as possible in the camera. I found this quite ironic considering the topic. I was well aware that I wanted to come across confident and knowledgeable despite all my true insecurities. Being a fitness professional and standing up in front of a class several times a week, I regularly think about how I look. It’s almost like there’s this extra unspoken pressure. There seems to be an expectation that all yoga teachers and fitness professionals should be young, long and lean and in perfect shape. I think I buy into it because I want to be a good example for my students and I want to live the life I teach. I am a great, effective yoga teacher and it has nothing to do with how I look. The gratitude students express to me never includes, “Thanks for looking the part.” I am fortunate enough to know what my life’s work is, to have discovered my passion and I know I am meant to be helping others on this path. It is truly a privilege that I am grateful for every day.
After speaking for a bit about my insecurities which included not only how I look but also my role as a mother, the students asked me what role I thought media has played in my feelings of insecurity. I found it to be a fascinating question. The question really had me asking why I am so concerned about how I look. I have convinced myself I am concerned about the extra flab around my waist because I want to be as healthy as possible and that it has nothing to do with vanity. But am I just fooling myself? I have been teaching fitness in one way or another for over 15 years. I exercise regularly. I have knowledge about nutrition and make reasonable choices about my diet. I ran my first triathlon successfully last year and have competed in several races since then. I recently had all my annual check ups and was told I am in perfect health. My blood pressure couldn’t be better, all my levels were better than normal and my BMI which is based on my weight and height is better than most. I even asked my doctor if I should be concerned about my weight and she looked at me like I had just grown three heads.
Upon leaving the doctors office, I had to admit that my desire to be thin is pure vanity. With some introspection I recognized that media has played a huge impact on how I think I’m supposed to look as well as my role as a parent. Magazines and television, billboards and the internet all demonstrate that thinner is better. All forms of media set the ideal for being a parent. Mom’s are supposed to be calm, cool and collected. We aren’t supposed to lose our tempter or be the least bit selfish. Our world is supposed to be all about the kids. We believe that we are ultimately responsible for their behavior and outcome of our children. I have a desire to have a flat tummy, no jiggly arms and thighs that don’t touch. But why have I created these standards for myself? I struggle with accepting myself just the way I am and continue to try to better myself. When we can’t live up to these standards we feel less than and worthless because there must be something wrong with us that we can not be like the people we see on TV.
If I’m being completely truthful I must add that there are people around me that also make me feel like I should be thinner and that I’m not a good enough mom and that somehow I am not perfect just the way I am. However, there are way more people around me telling me how beautiful and wonderful and amazing I am and yet I seem to only listen to the few that say the opposite. How powerful the human mind that so many experience this phenomenon. The neigh sayers, I’m convinced, are just as impacted by the media messages they receive brainwashing them about how they think others should look and act. I already recognize this doubt in my children. It’s a vicious cycle that I tried to allude to in the interview. Awareness is the first step to making change and this interview has been a huge eye opener for me. So what do I do about it now that I have this awareness? I need to make a change.
With very specific messages like this, I think affirmations can be really effective. By stating to myself everyday, “I am beautiful just the way I am,” will slowly rewire my brain to believe the truth of this statement. Better yet, if I speak the affirmation while looking at myself in the mirror, it will be even more powerful. I need to continue to surround myself with those people that see the truth of who I am and let go of the rest. And I need to attempt to keep the media messages in perspective as best as I can. All of these tools are valuable.
Ultimately, though, what I have discovered since that interview is that awareness alone is enough to create change. By being asked those questions and reflecting on my insecurities, I can no longer go back to not knowing they exist. I suppose I could pretend or just forget but I believe once the awareness is gained you never really lose it. It stays with us which means through awareness change is inevitable. For me, yoga has been an incredible, consistent practice in awareness. And without the opportunities on my mat to “practice” being aware, I might have missed the opportunity off my mat for true and lasting change.